I like it when cops get killed… you know why? Because I am a sporting man. Cops: 175 Bad Guys: Nothing — that just doesn’t have a good ring to it. When the newsman tells me a robbery suspect was perforated 47 times and he didn’t even get the chance to squeeze off a single shot, that is just downright boring and not worthy of my attention.
When one team is getting slaughtered by the other, what do we do gang? That’s right we turn the channel. There’s no uncertainty in the air, the ending is a foregone conclusion. But a close game, ho ho, that is just the opposite. You call your friends and ask excitedly if they’re watching too. If its really close maybe it will go to overtime. Sometimes they even call it sudden death! You run over to the fridge and get yourself a beer, barely taking your eyes off the tv cause you need some icy refreshment but you sure as hell don’t want to miss the next great play!
So yea I am not ashamed to admit it. When a cop gets killed its a good thing. It really is. No one likes a blow out except the guys doing the blowing out. But I am not a cop. I could give a crap whether they kick ass or not. We’re the ones paying their salaries yet what do we get if they win? A society absent of crime? Never gonna happen! They are still going to give us a ticket if we go 3 miles over the speed limit, right? And its not like they don’t have replacements if one of their players goes down. There’s a hundred thousand douche bags training in police academies all across the land just waiting for their opportunity to join the ranks. The minor league system is brimming with eager young talent.
I need some [expletive] incentive if I am going to root for them and hope for a blowout. Like give me some free stuff. If they kill these bad guys and then raffle off all their belongings to the law abiding public, well maybe that is something I could get behind. Now these blowouts won’t be so boring, I have something to look forward to. But Christ its just the opposite right now. When a drug dealer gets busted who gets to keep all of his crap? The cops! It pisses me off, to be honest with you. I have a much better chance of getting some good [expletive] if the bad guys win. Why? What happens when a really dangerous villian can’t be found? That’s right they offer a reward! Hey hey, now we’re talking my kind of game! I have a chance to win a big cash prize! Maybe I just saw this dangerous [expletive] at the local supermarket. The more cops he caps the higher the cash prize. Who am I going to root for here, you tell me?
[Some audience members boo in protest and a couple shout something incomprehensible] Hey, hey, simmer down fellas I am just talking honestly here. If that makes me an [expletive] well than so be it go [expletive] yourself you lying hypocrites. You know you like it when cops get killed. Now you’ve got something to talk about at the water cooler tomorrow. This is why you feel smug as you drive thru town with the windows rolled up staring out at the poor bastards waiting for public transportation in the war zone. You can congratulate yourself for voting for that shmuck that promised to build more prisons and throw away the keys.
[ fictional comedy sketch written by Aaron Bradley - Copyright 2009 rebellionbrewery.com ]
